February 8, 1990

"Dear Macaws"
Macaws Magazine
230 Macaws Avenue
Macaws, Macaws 10169

Dear Macaws:

            No sooner do I complete my consumer feedback report on the February issue, then than then than the March issue is on the stands. And what a ballbuster blockbuster issue it is! It is clear that a new hand is on the throttle, with a new joystick between the legs, as Macaws heads for climactic new horizons. And darlings, know that Priscilla is with you all the way! Here is my consumer feedback report for the March issue.

page 6: The Editor's Notes are uplifting and inspiring. I quivered with excitement when the policeperson unsnapped her revolver and withdrew her baton. "One swing and then I would shoot." Those words will live forever in the annals of female empowerment. Mickey Spillane and Norman Mailer, eat your hearts out! How I cheered when our heroine carted that mental patient off to the hospital. "I count, I have power, and I can affect this world and leave my mark. That's what a life is about." I am speechless with admiration and envy.

page 8: I couldn't agree more with the writer from Libertyville, IL. Libertyville! What a town for the America that we all yearn for! Enough Santa, Hanukkah Chanukkah Hanuka Hanukah Chanukah Chanuka Hannuka Hanukka Chanukka and gingerbread, enough treacle and toffee, enough crisp apple strudel,
Enough two front teeth. What we want is our baby Jesus. The only thing more darling than baby Jesus is baby Nicole on page 17.

page 8: To the writer from Bristol, CT who perfumes her cats, I recommend the use of FDS  feminine hygiene deodorant spray, Spray that on your pussy, honey, and she'll bond with any Tom, or Harry, or, yes, especially Dick.

page 22: Fighting the war against plague? Darlings! Quit worrying about brushing your teeth, and quit playing with rat turds!

page 29: The perm on the poodle is the best of all the best cuts. How clever of your advertising people to sandwich it into this location.

page 38: Well, aren't we getting modern! Kegel exercises, French abortion pills. Wonder who the eminence grise at Macaws really is. Could it be...Satan?! Seriously, though, I have been doing the Kegel exercises
everywhere. Sitting on the bus, I could see the driver responding in the rearview mirror to my soft whimpered moans. And then I asked him with my eyes yes and he said yes yes and I wanted him so yes

page 48: Feenamint ad, Glad to see you're not completely genitally fixated. We are long overdue for a
review, as only Macaws can do it, of laxatives, How about an article on psyllium seed? Why not put your ace reporter on it? Who better than the Big Pooper herself, Charlotte Ford?

page 49: So much for anal fixation; back to the genitals, eh? You there...pussy...yes, you with Kotex on. Either put on a dress, or read page 20: The Good News About Tampons.

page 51: Carol Burnett. Scary. I thought Emmett Kelly was dead.

page 70: I searched and searched throughout the whole article on Coming to America, and didn't find one photograph of Eddie Murphy. error...there he is on page 84.

page 100: My son, Peter, chews his lips, puts his bloody nose in electrical sockets, and has head lice. Is
there hope for him, Dr, Mom?

page 102: There you go again with that silly psychologist Dr. Lee Salk. You don't have to be a psychologist to know that he's still suffering from sibling rivalry with his brother Jonas, who is a real doctor, and who won the Nobel prize. Doctor Salk (I'll call you doctor anyway, Lee), I am a mother and my solutions are a bit different, When my Penelope yells, "That's not fair!" I give her a whack upside the head, and say, "How about that? Is that fair?" And when my Phoebe says, "She broke mine first!" I give her a whack upside the head, and Say , "Iíll break yours first." And when my Phyllis gets detention, I give her a whack upside the head, too. Doctor (and I use the term loosely) Salk, you know what you need? That's right, a whack upside
the head. And you look like Clarabell, Doctor Salk! Get a psychiatrist to write
that column!

page 131: Okay, Big Pooters, if you want to teach your husband to do housework properly, give him a whack upside the head. Question #2: The proper response when a woman asks the price of your dress is to give her a whack upside the head. And, number 3, the best way to discourage unwelcome interest is to give a whack upside the head. And finally, the last questioner states that "there is every possibility that the sir is a madam." When I look at Charlotte's picture, I think this well may be true.

page 132: It is a myth that fish have no feelings? Fish have feelings? You know this, "Doctor" Fox? Are you a real doctor? I think not. I also think you have been spending too much time nuzzling with the tapir.

            Well, enough for this issue, darlings. Can't wait for Aprille with her showers soote. Bye for now.