"Dear Macaws"March 8, 1990
Well, imagine my astonishment when
I read and reread the April issue of Macaws and found no "Dear Macaws"
I'm all for the "new look;" Anne Mollegen Smith is a shining example to us all of how today's woman stays modern. But let's not throw the baby out 'with the spilled milk! Look what happened to Ms. when Gloria Steinberg forgot her roots. As it is said in that great Broadway hit, "Milk and Honey:" TRADITION!! By now, I feel that I have become a Macaws tradition myself, and I am delighted to share my consumer feedback comments on the latest issue,
page 8: Dr. Mom is correct in recommending surgery for an undescended testicle. My Chinese neighbor, Mr. Won Hung Lo, had an undescended testicle which, unfortunately, his mother had treated with acupuncture. That poor testicle was punctured I don't know how many times, and it still wouldn't come down. It's still right up there in his neck, and bobs up and down whenever he speaks. Hard as I try, I just can't keep my eyes off it. It's an undulating untreated undescended testicle. What's more, as Dr. Mom correctly points out, an untreated undescended testicle can be a man's undoing. It can develop cancer. As I have always said, an ounce of prevention is worth writing home about. So, I have arranged for surgery for all my men. My husband, Philip, has had his operation, and enjoys the side benefit of never having to shave any more. My son, Peter, glared at me a lot after his orchiectomy (Isn't it a lovely name for an operation? Just like a flower.), but someday I know he'll thank me.
With regard to the large brown mole on daughter Jane's forearm, it is a well-known scientific fact that moles have very. poor vision. The mole probably mistook Jane's forearm for a zucchini. I think Dr. Mom's suggestion of surgery is a bit strong; surgery is for testicles, not for moles. Have mercy on the mole; we are all God's creatures. I would suggest that you bring him to the Animal Rescue League, where I know they will find him a good home.
page 18: "Loving Steps" is just ever so darling. The mother and child could have been painted by Mary Cassatt. I just love Mary Cassatt. And the two hands touching are just like the Cistine Chapel ceiling painting by Michael Angelo.
page 23: The Macawmanack is a wonderful new innovation. Have you thought of leaving out the "k?" You could offer it by computer network to those subscribers with modems. Then you could call it MacMacawmanackac. It would be great for bulimics. Say it three times, and you throw up. Try it.
page 29: There goes that pussy covered by a kotex, again. Pussy, read Dr. Mom on page 8. She is very reassuring about tampons and toxic shock syndrome. It is very rare, especially in pussys. Try one. People will stare at you less. If you really can't stand tampons, try the pantiliners on page 51.
page 31: It is gratifying to know that you are paying attention to my past suggestions, and that you are
giving less space to that psychologist, "Doctor" Lee Salk, and that you have eliminated the picture of his homely bald head. As usual, his advice is wishy-washy and ineffective, My Peter wouldn't read. So I took him to an electric transformer down at the corner of our street. I told him, "Look inside the door, Peter, maybe there's some candy inside!" Naturally, he didn't bother to read the sign on the door that said, "DANGER ! HIGH VOLTAGE!" Was he shocked. He reads now, Get a psychiatrist.
page 43: The article on chromium is positively brilliant. After reading it, I began to suck on the front bumper of my Buick, and, as promised, my craving for sweets is gone. Those scientists at Bemidji State University (B.S.U.) have done it again! Eat your corpus callosum out, M.I.T.!! Who is this Marjorie Ingall? Anne Mollegen, where have you been hiding her? Let's have more, more, more. Perhaps an article next month on how 90% of Americans don't get enough selenium, The Priscilla Solution? Eat sand,
page 44: Bad idea to place the article on psyllium (Metamucil) on the same page as the ad for Feenamint. Those folks at the Feenamint Company are going to have a shit, Good article, though. Amy Belleau, you are silent, but deadly.
page 45: Baby Jessica looks like she's making in her pants.
page 76: Forgive me, Anne Mollegen, you did listen to Priscilla, after all. Tradition in the family--isn't that
what America is all about? And what fine American families they are--a regular patchwork quilt of the diversity that marks our great country. The Davidners are not too Jewish, and the Modestes look just like Bill Cosby and his family. But the Stumpfs should change their name.
page 98: This is funny? You pay John Leo money?
page 122: Excellent recipes and brilliant photographs of food this month. Particularly appealing is the lava flow of Cheez Whiz oozing forth from the jar, Did you know that if you bring an aerosol can of Cheez Whiz with you when you go snorkeling, it will attract tropical fish to you when you spray a bit out? A small sporting tip from Priscilla.
page 130: As always, Charlotte Ford's comments are impeccable. Far be it from me to hold a candle to her;
nevertheless, I would like to offer some alternative suggestions. To the woman whose dinner guest never helps to clean up: Pour some Cheez Whiz into her lap as she just sits there. When she jumps up, screaming, say, "What's the matter? It's only food, Just leave it there, like you leave everything else on the table, bitch!” Correction: Don't say "bitch." It's not good etiquette.
And as to the reader who asks, "What is an appropriate wedding gift?" The answer is obvious: a gift subscription to Macaws,
page 133: Do dogs dream? The dog in the picture does not dream, He is dead,
As for cataracts in dogs, I have been to "Doctor" Michael Fox's office, and I have seen his prices. I removed a cataract from my Pomeranian, Pheephee, using a cuticle remover. Of course, your dog must be small enough so that you can hold him down when you do this, but the savings are very much worthwhile,
page 134: How do they stay on?
page 136: To me, this is the essence of Macaws, even more than the recipes. Not since the beloved Dr. Norman Vincent Peale has there been a more beloved writer than the beloved Alexandra Stoddard. Alexandra, you are too kind.
A bientôt, mes amies!